If this was hand written, it'd still be undecipherable

I'm 233! 9 pounds!! :D hopefully I can keep it up since I don't work at a walking job at the moment lol

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I'm on Day 8, Phase 2 and I'm 237. Was 242 on Day 1 and I cheated majorly on Tuesday/Wednesday.

I hope I stay with it this time. I need to incorporate some exercise in though D: it's so hard!

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Nathan got into my bed this morning and we cuddled and I discussed my dreams. We just chit chatted and I snuggled him more. He told me, "I do love you, Mandi. And if I believed in marriage, I'd totally marry you."

Even though he said he didn't believe, it gave me a hint of hope that maybe one day it'll happen. Maybe not the grand deal with a church and all but that'll be fine. I read somewheres that a boyfriend of this girl were together for seven years before he popped the question. Maybe we'll wait until AFTER we move in together. It'd be more practical after all.

I'm tired of being sentimental so more Pinterest.

I need to start exercising soon but I have little to no motivation :( sucks :(

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And then there are times that I'm glad I took a chance on hanging out with this wonderful guy. I didn't think it'd lead anywhere and it did. It's a nice feeling still liking someone after this long. I used to dislike anyone that started to like me even if I liked them at first. I'm glad I didn't pull one of my old tricks.

Grandma passed away a year ago two days ago. Sad times :(

Was just clicking around on this app and it was like "post a link to Facebook????????" and I was like O__O. This is the only place private I have anymore.. I can't make it known to the public at all.

Nathan is taking a nap. He's so cute :)

Goodbye for now.

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Sometimes I wonder if I have any right being in a relationship with someone. Those thoughts make me depressed, however. So, of course, I was depressed for a little while but managed to get myself out of that mindset mostly.

I made two rings just now with some beads and wire. Nothing fancy but it's kinda cute.

The ones on my pinky are WAY too small but I used a design that I thought was cute, just need more wire. I need to get a file of some sort so I can file down the sharp metal end. I'm borrowing Nathan's pliers to bend my wires and cutting them too but it cuts it sharp. I'm doing well enough right now but if I ever make more, I need a more professional approach. Meaning lots of experimentation because I don't want to sell something and then the person claims it fell apart or it cut them or whatever. I need a sizing ring mandible (I think that's what it's called).

It's the most crafty I've been in a while. I love being crafty. Too bad you can't make much of a living off of doing crafty things or I'd know my dream calling :(

But a side-job dream calling will be okay for now, I suppose. One day I'd like to have my own store for crafty stuff or cafe. Nathan said something about having a building where we live at the top, his studio in the middle, and me have a bakery at the bottom. And I could make them breakfast stuff in the morning. Ideal and cute, yes. Can't say it can't happen because it could but not yet. I've used the word "cute" too many times this post.

A few weeks old but pretty accurate.

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Things I Would Do If I Were a Ghost and Haunted a House

-Drink all but a tiny sip of the orange juice carton and put it back in the fridge
-Repaint the living room
-Braid their hair in their sleep
-Alphabetize their DVDs
-Use all but one sheet of toilet paper and not replace the roll
-Take the ink cartridge(s) out of the printer
Switch the sugar with salt
-Use all but a drop of all laundry detergent and put back nearly empty bottle
-Switch AM/PM on clocks
-Put all the toilet seats up
-Randomly unplug important cords for electronics
-Lay out their clothes for them at night
-Tear out the last page of every fiction book
-Cut off all the wicks of all the candles
-Put food coloring that matches the color of their mouthwash in the mouthwash bottle
-Set their alarms to wake them up to the climax of a Lewis Black rant
-Watch them when they type their passwords on facebook and log in and change their profile in their sleep
-Dangle bits of string in front of any house cats/play fetch with any dogs
-Duck tape them to their beds
-Change their air filters for them so every time they check them they are clean
-Change all the light bulbs to colored light bulbs while everyone is out during the day
-Put up their holiday decorations the night before they plan to do it
-Mark fake and conflicting appointments on any wall calendars
-Take and hide their towels while they are showering
-Pants them randomly
-Install a disco ball

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You will have nothing but curses from my mouth.

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I started my yeast-free diet last week and it's been very tough. Simply because I can't touch anything that I love because it may feed the yeast.

No bread unless it's a special grain (no wheat at all, or white), no starchy foods (this includes potatos, corn, beets (maybe it was radishes?), I've been told no beans for the first month but I'll occasionally have some black beans, very little to no fruit (since sugar feeds the yeast too) (I can have a certain amount of one serving of fruit a day, depending on the fruit), no beef or pork (which is okay because bf and I read beef and processed meat was linked to cancer stuff so we're trying to go w/o it), no milk or dairy (no yogurt unless it's non-fat and preferably goats milk or something)(I can drink a little bit of almond milk), no peanuts or pistachios or cashews because it may contain small traces of mold that might feed the yeast.

So, what have I been eating? Not much but enough to stuff my face and stomach. I feel like a fatty because I'm so bloated afterwards. For breakfast, I ate a couple of scrambled eggs drizzles with a lemon/olive dressing I made (recipe in a second) and had half a plate of salad with tomatoes and onions and chicken.

Lunch, a double serving of salad. Dinner, same. Last night, I tried Quinoa which is an approved grain I can eat. It's $5 dollars a bag so it's kinda expensive so it'd be my splurge item. And it tastes really bland. I cheated by adding lots of butter, which is bad. I can use olive oil but I just was too lazy. But it's tastier than nasty brown or wild rice ugh.

My favorite dressing recipe EVER!!!

3 clove of garlic (or 3 tsp garlic)
1tbsp salt or sea salt
1/2 cup extra virgin olive oil
1/2 cup lemon juice (freshly squeezed is better but we can't always do this)
Pepper (optional)

Put the salt and garlic together and I used a mortar/pestle but just squish it together to make a paste. Pour the lemon juice and olive oil in another container, Mix it a little. Put in the paste and mix it up. It says up a lid on it and shake it really well.

Well, my lid was wonky and Wal-mart brand so stuff sprayed out lol. So I just mixed it with a fork really well instead. Add pepper if you want for extra seasoning. And you're done. I've noticed if your fridge is a tad too cold it'll make the oil congeal so I just pop it in the microwave for 30 seconds or so. Warm dressing wouldn't be too bad, I suppose.

Plus, this dressing adds a definite caloric intake to the salad so I'm getting calories. I add quite a bit of chicken to my salad so there's that too.

I also have been buying hummus lately but it's expensive as quickly as I go through the stuff! So I found a recipe that I'm going to follow.. I have everything I need except something called "tahini". I can either buy it or make it (it calls for 5 cups of sesame seeds and water or garlic)... Effectively a sesame seed paste. Ne'er heard of it before so I'll go look for it when I return home to Cleburne.

Nathan took a long nap. Then we went to Wal-Mart. And the nap messed with his head's chemicals, because he kept saying he felt weird. Then he said something about "why do I feel so weird?" and I was just talking and saying "well, the nap probably made the equilibrium in your head all weird or something" and he replied with "oh yeah that explains it so well"

Yeah, it hurt my feelings. I kinda stopped talking after that point because what was the point? I already felt stupid for talking.

He apologized later for being a jerk and what he said but my self-esteem already plummeted and I kept saying in my head "yeah you should've known to just kept your mouth shut, mandi. You're so dumb and retarded"

I'm so hard on myself sometimes.

So we kept shopping but I just didn't talk unless he said something that required a response and I kept it at bare minimum. I didn't want to make him feel like a bad guy but I was so near tears that I couldn't really say much else.

He apologized several more times. He mentioned that I was quiet.. More than usual. I mentioned my self esteem was kinda off, didn't say why. He said he didn't want me to think bad about him, he found that idea saddening.

I know it's stupid to be sad over something so small but I blow things out of proportion sometimes.

He said something (can't remember what now) and my reply was "well, I say stupid things sometimes"... I knew he would get onto me for thinking/saying that but he asked for it. He told me I don't say stupid things.

However, he tried my salad dressing and he liked it. He even ate most of the salad. He said I'm now in charge of couscous and salad and salad dressing. So yay +1 to self esteem.

But I totally got off topic about the whole yeast free diet. I've lost 4 pounds (223 to 219) and my oral "thrush" at the back of my tongue is now gone! I always thought it meant I had really stinky breath and would try and brush it away but it'd never go away. I've had it forever and a day. My mom said that when I was 7, I went to the doctor and he said I had yeast coming out of every where's.. My nose, down there, everywheres. He had given my parents s diet for me to follow but she said it was all stuff I wouldn't eat.

But the on my tongue is gone! But I ate plenty of yeast things today so we'll see if it's there or not there by the morning.

I kinda binged in his kitchen just now. Had a spoonful of peanut butter, several pringles, the tiny bit of salad in the container, several swigs of RC Cherry. I didn't eat that much today as i have been so I should've expected that I was gonna be hungry that evening.

I was just planning on ignoring the hunger because I don't want to waste Nathan's food on me but I ended up going there after a bathroom trip. I wasn't ravenous, just hungry.

Tomorrow will go better because he'll make breakfast, then lunch, and maybe dinner. Hopefully he'll let me stay tomorrow night too. I love sleeping here.

I'm gonna go play a game on my phone or StumbleUpon some more ^^

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Sometimes I watch things (dr. Horrible's sing along blog) or read things (Remus/Severus or Remus/Sirius fanfiction and get so absorbed that I get depressed that I don't have it in my life.

I can't explain it. It's always affected me negatively when I get absorbed into things. That's why I would role play Remus into a lot of Romance roles or drama-led-into-romance and it'd make my inner Remus happy and therefore, I'd feel happy every night.

I miss role-playing as Remus. It's been almost 6 years. Even though I'm relatively happy, I'm not happy that I no longer write with him or have a writing partner. I guess I could try for an email rp thing like I used to do with Megan with her Sirius.

I'm just feeling incredibly nostalgic. Maybe I just miss my bf. I don't know. I feel lost.. But my inner voice is currently Dr. Horrible.. Becoming a part of the league of evil but no longer having the women he loved with all his heart by his side because she's dead.

How do you think you'd feel? That's how I feel. That's why I don't watch fucking movies. I feel too much.

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10:02 AM - Mandi: Youre in game right now but it is fine with you that I come over today?
10:02 AM - Boner: Uhhhhhh
10:02 AM - Boner: Of course?
10:02 AM - Boner: I want you here!
10:02 AM - Boner: Why wouldn't I?
10:05 AM - Mandi: I don't know. Just had this bad feeling when I woke up that maybe you wanted a day to yourself or something
10:06 AM - Boner: I've had plenty of days to myself.
10:06 AM - Boner: YOUR time is at a greater premium than mine.
10:07 AM - Boner: I'd hog you all to myself if it were up to me.
10:07 AM - Boner: <3
10:08 AM - Mandi: Just insecure lately, I guess. heh, been afraid i'll bore you too much lately
10:08 AM - Mandi: irrational thoughts probably
10:08 AM - Boner: Hahaha, I'd say so.
10:09 AM - Mandi: i'm probably just close to PMS or something
10:09 AM - Boner: :<
10:09 AM - Boner: Come on over. I will reassure you that you have nothing to worry about.
10:10 AM - Boner: Hell, I deleted my OkCupid account because I'm content with you.
10:11 AM - Mandi: okay, you don't have to reassure me. I'll probably leave by 12, knowing me.
10:11 AM - Boner: Not disabled, deleted.


And I haven't been feeling it for just a little while, more like 2 or 3 weeks ever since Nathan had this little revelation thing and I'm so terrified he's finding me boring and he's going to drop me like he does with all the past girls in the way past that he got bored with. And I really don't want to be alone anymore.. not really. I would save money if I was single. I could kill my credit card faster in the end. I would only have to care about me and my friends and my family.. or just me. But I don't want that. I want to be able to come home from work and have someone there or vice versa.. and have a meal ready for them or something. I'm so insecure lately. It's probably why I so easily get up and go to my bosses lately because I'm so vulnerable right now. Because boss doesn't seem bored with me.. he seems to like me alright so it feels good to think that I'm wanted.

I know Nathan wants me.. and loves me. I just don't know what to feel, to be honest. He should never have told me that "what if something happens and I get bored?".. it was just a passing thought but it struck my heart pretty badly because I've always thought I was so boring for years and years and years and can't ever see my true worth most of the time.

i'm just feeling down right now, if you can't tell! haha and insecure.

not ugly for once. Just ugly on the inside. I don't have a pure heart after all. I'm not innocent.

i feel bad bringing it up to nathan but i drive myself to tears a lot thinking about how i might be boring him and how he may leave me anytime or say "it's over" and i'm so not looking forward to going through all this again. all the dating and trying people on. i'm tired of that uncertainity. Boss is great but he's a bit of a ladies man so there'd be nothing going on there for sure. he's hot and awesome and gets on my nerves like no other but he's a great guy regardless.

just insecure i guess. i guess me and nathan might or might not talk later on today when i get there